Ability to love

Yet those who wait for the Lord Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. Isaiah 40:31 NASB

As I write this post, it has been eight months since losing Joelle to cancer. We had closure this past weekend that I am writing this part of my blog post. It’s that final and even painful acceptance that she’s left this world and seeing that cemetery stone in place is knowing that my best friend in life is now gone from me. Realizing those years of 20-second hugs (and that was the minimum amount of time), her voice telling me she loved me and me being able to whisper in her ear “I love you”, our ” date nights” and “play dates”, and even our fights… all gone. Seeing that stone was like having a bucket of ice water poured all over me.

However, I still haven’t let up on my promises to her. I seem to use my anger constructively to work out. “Hulking up,” as I call it, keeps me out of trouble. As well, I have been starting to write and record more songs and playing more guitar. I’ve even been playing more bass guitar, enjoying getting new ideas out of it.

Strangely enough, one of the songs that I wrote was a love song. That’s right, I fell in love. How do I know it’s love and not just a mad crush? I often test my feelings against scripture and what I often find are that mad crushes are somewhat selfish and going inward. It’s like I almost want to pull her towards me and my life. This seemed to line up with scripture. I find I don’t want anything from her. Rather than wanting to project my feelings on her, I seem to want to hold onto them so she doesn’t know. I am always looking to make things in her life easier. Of course, I do it subtly as to not show my feelings. Would I love to win her heart? Certainly! Will I try to win her heart? Probably not.

Here’s why.

Plain and simple, I am not ready. I’ve just gone through a weekend of huge emotions dealing with the reality that faces me. There’s no way I am going to ask someone else to wade through the shipwreck that is my life. This would be terribly unfair to her, because it is nothing short of being selfish and demanding. It would wind up putting a strain on any potential relationship and would probably drive her away, causing even more heartbreak. My heart is already broken, and sometimes I feel like it would take a God to repair it.

The other reason is that I am reasonably sure that we don’t share the same feelings. It would be almost delusional to believe that she felt the same about me. I can live with the fact she doesn’t feel the same. I just don’t need to hear that she doesn’t feel the same. Therefore she doesn’t need to know how I feel, and no one needs to ask. I don’t need anyone looking at me uncomfortably knowing my feelings for them, or even worse using it as a weapon against a broken heart, because they can.

So what am I to do?

Simply wait. I will wait on God. This may mean having to let go of these feelings for now. It’s best to just let them hopefully die, for the greater cause.

I also have to consider the fact that the chapter of my life in Ontario appears to be nearing its end and holding on to this may be the equivalent falsely hoping for a reason to stay, when my life seems to be calling me out west. I’m only fooling myself by believing otherwise.

However, it is not all bad. I am grateful to know that I do have the ability to fall in love. This is a sign to me that my heart doesn’t need to go cold and hardened after such tragedy. I have feelings and one day I will be ready to run with them. Or, at least I will be in a better position to take a chance with them. For the time being, I can write and record more love songs and trust God and what He has in store. Everything is just a matter of time. God’s time. It will take discipline and focus on His plan this time. It’s not too hard to believe that the enemy is attempting to thwart these plans with delusions and false hopes. I need to be patient and trust in God, and perhaps things will be better than I imagined. I’d also encourage myself to keep falling in love. Love is what made me a better person in the first place. I want to remain a better person. Main difference is that I keep it to myself, and write songs about it, and feel good about knowing that I am blessed with the ability to love.

Who knows. One of these loves songs might turn out to be a bride and groom’s first dance.