Life’s moments and Pina Coladas

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So teach us to number our days, That we may present to You a heart of wisdom.
— Psalm 90:12

Joelle and I are wrapping up our week long getaway to Cuba to cover off all of the heavy decisions that we need to make for the next twelve months, given that this may be all the time left for Joelle and I to be together. Of course, God has made the final decision long ago as to the numbering of our days and for all we know, it could be longer. Or, it could also be shorter. And we’re only talking about Joelle. Who’s to say that I wouldn’t get stung by a jellyfish and drop dead at the beach before we even make it to the plane? Bottom line is that we have no idea as to how much time we have to live. The doctors told Joelle that they felt that they were generous telling her that she had twelve months to live. Only God, in my opinion, has the ability to turn twelve months into twelve years… or even more. And I am not going to be foolish to say if it is God’s will. If God turns months into years, isn’t it safe to say that He had already determined this? Only God can say to the doctor, “No! You are wrong. I have already determined that she is going to live this long. Not a day more and not a day less.”

However, the determination from the doctor has done one thing. If it is indeed true, and let’s face it, God uses doctors in His purpose, that Joelle has twelve months to live, then this is what we have determined to do: LIVE! We are down in Cuba making the decisions about what needs to be done once Joelle is no longer able to function. We are covering off everything including what would happen when I die. We’re making every painful decision that we can think of down here in paradise. And every time, I am toasting these decisions with a Pina Colada. Don’t worry, my church going friends and pastors: many of them have been alcohol free. The point is not the alcohol anyway. It’s more like the sweetness symbolic of the relief that follows the bitterness of having to make such decisions in the first place. It’s the reminder that we have made the decisions and now it is time to live.

It’s been said many times: live each day like it is your last. Even Jesus said that worrying about tomorrow doesn’t add a minute to today. God knows how long we have on this earth. God knows when it is time to come home. Does it make us think? It should! Does it make us lament over the time we have left? It should not! Sure, Joelle and I had plenty of dreams of growing old together and yes the news from the doctor makes me cry and sometimes go “it’s not fair”. But, aside from the fact that nothing is of our own design, God knows the full truth to our existence and has numbered all of our days. It could be less and it could be more. We don’t know. And since we don’t know, we should just live in this moment because it is the only moment we have.

And in this moment that I have been writing this, there is a tall cantina of Pina Colada poolside waiting for me. Time to live this moment with this cantina.

Empty Return

I got home from Alberta on Wednesday and I have never felt more empty. I felt like Joelle and I came home to nothing. This is starting to convince me that our lives are no longer in Ontario. We knew that one day we would move out west to be with our daughters and their children. I just expect to be as driven as I am now. It feels like nothing else really matters. It almost feels as if nothing is keeping me here and is making the decision easy.

It’s funny because I know that my current job at BlackBerry has been nothing short of an exercise in faith. I am always of the belief that God brought me there and kept me going there in the hard times. However, I am starting to think that God did this for one reason: to show me how much He loves me and takes care of me. It’s not about the job or me. It’s about God and nothing more. And if God is starting to pull my heart out west, then His direction is best. Not to mention that everything that I have been seeking in this job doesn’t seem to be for God’s glory. It seems to be for my own glory. I remember being angry about not getting promoted to senior developer even though I believe that I deserved it. If anything, I am just about giving up on that because I don’t believe that it is in God’s plan. And with the wanting to go out west to be with my children out there, it’s starting to feel like there’s nothing holding me back here. In fact, things like my job make it even easier to break away.

Of course, if HR were to read this post in my blog, the flight risk alarm would be sounding in their heads. All I can say is that it is not happening all that soon. Something like this takes time and planning. Joelle and I have started to put together a five-year plan to get things into place for moving forward. The circumstances for going sooner would be if things like my job were indeed threatened, or if the doctors determined that there is nothing more they can do for her. The latter would be a far greater reason, as I would want her to spend as many days with her daughters and grandchildren out there as she could. I would never want to rob her of that. As far as I go, I am in God’s hands and whatever happens is up to Him. All I know right now is that there is nothing here.