All I really wanted for Christmas

Something must be wrong with me this year… or maybe something has just changed inside me. I actually went through Christmas without experiencing any material wants, or even the feeling of being shortchanged for Christmas. It’s really weird for me because I am feeling really happy about this. I actually feel that I received all I ever really wanted for Christmas.

Yeah, sure there are a bunch of nice to have things, but when I look at them right now, I am really not hurting for not having them. They seem to pop out of my head just as quick as they pop in and I am just as happy before and afterwards. Those thing really don’t make me happy. They don’t have any effect on my emotions at all.

If anything, I got the gift of being able to spend christmas with my grandchildren as well as with my kids. At this point in time, and in my life, what else is there? This, to me, was the best christmas that I could ever ask for. I’m also grateful for having my video camera with me so I can take all of these memories with me.

Like I said, it’s all I really wanted for christmas, and I got it.

— Posted from my iPhone… because I can

The Greatest Christmas Present I Ever Had

One would think that my Christmas presents started off with an iTunes gift card. No, it began much earlier than that! It began when I walked through the gate and saw my two beautiful daughters waiting anxiously to run up to me and hug me, like the little girls I knew them to be a long time ago. Yet, in my heart there they were as my two little girls. There were tears of joy among us and I hugged them tightly and gave them both a bunch of kisses. They were daddy’s little girls.

It gets better for me as I go to our in-law’s house to celebrate and see my grandchildren. I know they were a little shy as they haven’t really seen their grandfather outside of video conferencing, but you should have seen them both warm up to me. My grandson eventually gave me a bunch of bugs and kisses and my granddaughter and I played for a long time with the penguins that I gave them. We had lots of fun.

Today, we celebrated Christmas dinner with them and I even got to play some Christmas carols on the guitar that Jonny brought. He brought it especially for me. So, I played songs that the kids and grandkids could sing to and just to see the smiles on their faces when they sang felt magical.

Just to be with everyone on Christmas is magical. This has truly made my Christmas. If anything, I’m especially glad I brought both my still camera and my video camera.

I’ll probably wind up using the iTunes card by next week, buying a couple of my favourite Stephen Curtis Chapman albums which is great. However the memory of this Christmas will far outlive the holidays and will be something I will be able to carry with me for a long time to come. The only better gift would be the opportunity to make more of these memories.

— Posted from my iPhone… because I can

Open wounds…

Whoever said that time heals all wounds, obviously never lived my life. I’m starting to believe that wounds inflicted on children leave nasty scars that will never go away. Not to mention the recurrence of certain occasions that were once supposed to be joyful, serve as constant reminders of our inflictions. And, each year, so it seems, they seem to dig into these wounds like a dull and dirty knife not only leaving a bigger wound, but infecting everything around it. Things just don’t get better on their own in time. They just don’t seem to heal.

It seems this time, the first day of Chanukah has given me the present of reopening my childhood wounds. They obviously couldn’t wait until the 7th day. They feel somewhat deeper than before as I woke up this morning in tears. I haven’t wanted to crawl out of my studio in the basement to even talk to anyone. I’ve just wanted to stay down here. I don’t even have any music on. It’s just silent today. For some reason, the feelings from my wounds feel stronger than before and I seem to just want to stay out of everyone’s way for fear of lashing out uncontrollably. If anything, I feel safe if I stay out of everyone’s way today. I even saw that I had some Chanukah presents upstairs, but I don’t even feel like I can open them.

It’s funny how I seem to be able to walk around the rest of the year as if everything is okay. It’s almost like I’m going around with a band-aid on, and as soon as this time rolls around, the band-aid gets painfully ripped off. I’m starting to feel at my age, as I am just a few years of turning 50, that it would take a God-like miracle to heal this wound. It sometimes makes me wonder why He hasn’t done so. It’s not like I really wish to stay wounded.