Yes… it’s Friday and the beginning of the month. However, that doesn’t matter, as I have always said that Fridays are an adjective and not an attitude. My proof: meltdowns don’t know the day of the week. Further proof: I’m living through a meltdown at the moment and I’m in such an emotionally fragile state that I feel like I am walking on emotional eggshells at the moment. It’s like hearing the ticking of a time bomb waiting for it to go off.
I’ve been already cycling through all my meltdown mood swings and feel all of my thoughts running through my mind like a hurricane. If anything, I’m trying to hold it all together, especially while I am at work. After all, we don’t talk about our feelings here. And, if we do, no one really understands an aspie so they either treat you like some freakin’ emotional basket case or they avoid you altogether in order that they don’t feel like they are going to upset you and possibly think you’re gonna go postal or something.
Like I said, all I need to do is hold it all together. Just keep my mind focused, and programming is often a great way for me to do that. Guitar would be better, but I don’t have one with me while I am in the office (funny how there was one in Trapeze that I could just grab and play if I really needed to), so I will simply have to make do. At the moment, it’s simply emotional survival mechanisms. Fortunately, I do have my iPod that I can bury myself into and get to programming, until I can get home. The worst part is that I have to try to hold it all together while I am driving. So many things are happening that it feels like one big blurry moment, and just getting through it is all I want to do.
It’s funny how my technical side wants to analyze every moment of this meltdown, though. I think I am looking for a pattern… I’m so used to patterns in almost everything I do, including web development. I think I want to find the pattern so I can try to break it. Perhaps, I can rewire the aspie mind, and use those meltdowns for positive change.
Even funnier is the thought of this is getting exciting…