Yesterday, it was my birthday and I was hopeful as I turn 45. Today, I am just plain depressed when I look at how bad it was. The only real gift I got was from God, knowing that I have outlived my dad by 3 years. Other than that, a close second was a new build of software to beta test tied with Henry giving me my present in July: tickets to see Rush in concert.
Not that I expect presents or anything, and I’m certainly not trying to be selfish… but when Joelle’s birthday comes up, I do what I can to make sure that her birthday is nothing but a complete happy day, regardless of what it takes… time, money or otherwise. Heck, I even rallied my kids last year to send me their weirdest photos and I made a comic book birthday card for Joelle for her birthday and affixed it to her presents. You’d think she would think, “what would make his day” when my birthday comes… but no! I’m often hiding her surprises for 2 weeks before her birthday, sneaking them into the house under her nose (sometimes, they are in front of her face and she doesn’t even notice and I know she’s not playing with me… 26 years of experience teaches me that). When her birthday comes, I go all out to make her feel wonderful for the day.
I’m lucky enough to get a card. If anything, it just made me feel like I’m not worth the effort. I’m not worth the planning or the time. If anything, I just happen to feel worthless in my own wife’s eyes. At the moment, I just feel totally shut down and want to crawl down into my little room and the basement and pray that I’m going to wake up any moment from this depressing dream. And to rub salt in the wound, here I am taking Henry to the Apple Store to get himself a brand new MacPro.
I doubt that anyone is going to even see this blog anyhow. Joelle will never look at this and know how I am feeling. It’s not like I can simply open up and talk to her… she doesn’t understand what goes on inside of me at times. My friends probably don’t read my blogs (they have their own lives… who am I to interfere). I cry alone. And today, life simply goes on as usual as we open wedding season with a photo shoot, so I have to bury my feelings and pray that I don’t implode.
I doubt that it could get any worse if a beautiful brunette or redhead danced all over my back wearing stilettos and a red dress. Then again, that would probably be the highlight of my birthday.